Thursday, July 17, 2008

Commiserating with myself

Continuing on in my rereading of Ravi Zacharias' Recapture the Wonder, I come to the chapter "Wonder Consummated".
On page 110, he says: "I recall that as a young lad, no matter how anxious I was to play with my friends after school, I would stand at the bottom of our driveway from where I could see a good distance away to the neighborhood bus stop.

"My mom, who was a teacher, came home at about 3:40 P.M., and every day I watched until I saw her get off the bus before I ran off with my friends, reassured to know that she would be in the house when I returned from playing.

"Nobody told me to do that; no great brainwave fed my fancy. It was just the confidence that in her I had somebody special and I wanted to make sure she was there."

I recall when I was taken to school for kindergarten. The school was a large building, and I was intimdated. To be honest, I was scared.

After class would start I would ask permission to go to the bathroom; whereupon I would walk out of the building, and head for home. Thinking home was a place of safety; only to find out I was in serious trouble and was promptly marched back to the school.

One of the days, that I walked out of the school, there was a city bus across the street; and laying behind the outside rear wheels was a small boy, about my age, whose head had been crushed by the bus.

I walked over to take a look at something I had never seen before, and was told by someone that that was what happened to little boys that ran away from school and didn't obey their parents.

One event that still stands out in my mind from that experience in that building, was when it was decided that all children would be innoculated with the polio shot.

We students were marched into the gymnasium, and when I got inside the door, I saw this thing that looked like a deep fryer; inside of the fryer was boiling water, and I watched the nurses putting the needles and syringes into the boiling water and taking them out then using them to innoculate.

Yes, I was scared, I screamed and tried to run away. Someone grabbed me and pulled me back up in line, where I was held down, and inncoulated. Can you feel the fear, now?

I do not ever remember feeling safe in my home. In my high school years, I felt safer at friend's houses than I did at my own.

During my high school years, my dad worked during the day and mom worked at night. As the eldest child, I had the responsibility of making sure my brother and sister had supper, started on their homework, and got to bed on time. Additionally, I was responsible for getting them ready for school each morning.

The downside to this, was every time dad came home, he found something I had done wrong, and I was punished.

Unlike Ravi Zacharias, I really had no reason to look forward to being home; there really wasn't anything there that appealed to me.

Then the law said that I could not leave home until I was eighteen or graduated from high school. I cannot even begin to explain how much I hated being in school.

So, come my senior year, I come up two classes short in credits for graduating, whereupon, dad tells me I will be going to summer school in order to get my diploma.

Upon completion, and receiving my diploma, I promptly went to the Marine recruiter and signed up.

Forty-eight years later, I still do not feel comfortable in a home. I would rather be on the move, and not held down to any one place.

Included in that time frame was three marriages and divorces. Four children born, with one having died as a result of a motor vehicle accident.

Yeah, I guess I could say I have lost the wonder; but then I have to wonder, did I really ever have the wonder?

Life goes on, and in my heart, I anticipate reaching that ultimate home, the one where I will be known, and I will know. Yes, I am looking forward to being home.

Something inside me, tells me there is something much better than what I have seen or experienced here in this life. That is where I want to be.

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